Honing in the Quetiapine

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I still have maybe a couple of coffees a day, 2–3 jays a day, or a ciggy or 2 if I’m out and about, or a glass of wine or 3, or a beer or two when the boys are over, but Quetiapine (also sold under the trade name Seroquel) is the only thing I’m taking consistently now.

Quetiapine is an antipsychotic used for the treatment of bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder and schizophrenia (my Ex-fiancé warned me that if I smoked bongs for too long I’d go schizo!). It’s also widely used as a sleeping aid.

I’m on Quetiapine to stabilise my mood swings and I’m also using it as a sleeping aid. Quetiapine was prescribed to me as an add-on drug to antidepressants, but I dropped the antidepressants 2 weeks ago and I’ve felt better since (the libido issues and constipation issues I got from Effexor are no more). Thing is, these tiny little pink 25mg Quetiapine pills have come to the fore now, and I’m finding myself trying to experiment with them a little as I feel like I have to.

Generally speaking, I used to think that girls have quite consistent mood swings. A wave with not too many extreme highs, nor lows. Guys on the other hand I always akin to an elastic band. Pull and stretch all the way back, then BAM! Let it all go.

Right now it’s midday. I’ve had a coffee and breakfast and I’m about to catch up with an old mate in an hour or so. My mood is pretty frantic, short breaths, brain is going a million miles an hour. I’m thirsty AF. I can’t type fast enough. I feel a bit high, less of a weed high, more of a lack of sleep feeling.

The Quetiapine helps me sleep (30 or so minutes after taking 75g my eyelids get heavy and I get 6 hours solid sleep. The sleep has greatly improved my concentration and motivation. This is quite obvious if you look at all the output I’m having lately. My appetite has skyrocketed (weight gain is a know side effect of Quetiapine) and now I find myself eating at least 3 meals a day (up from 51kgs to 59kgs now).

A lot of people use Quetiapine as a sleeping aid to “knock them out”, which kinda scares me, but my research leads me to believe that it’s not a drug of choice for suicide victims, as reports shows that people who have overdosed on Quetiapine landed up in comas and not death .

My doc assures me Quetiapine is not physically addictive, but neither is weed right? So really, it’s the psychological addiction I’m more worried about.

On the streets Quetiapine is sometimes called Susie Q, Quell, Q, or Squirrel. Crushed and snorted (I’ve yet to try this), Quetiapine is abused for a recreational “high”. None of this surprises me as I’ve felt high as a kite on this stuff since day 1, sometimes for hours at a time throughout the day, sometimes it comes in waves.

I feel the Quetiapine high pretty much from the moment I wake up through to bed time (usually 6am — midnight). If I dunk 3 pills at the recommended time of 8–9PM I got to bed way too early and wake up way too early too. Having them just before bed seems to suit me a lot better.

The high I feel throughout the day is a bit like a weed high, but also feels like an ecstasy pill coming on; you know, that tingly wiry feeling you get in your fingers when an e starts to kick in. I also have waves of extreme light headedness, not to the point of fainting or anything, but it’s a strange top of the brain and in the temples tingle, sometimes an almost anti-gravity/brain in a bubble like feeling which I get especially when I move my head too suddenly.

My low dose of 75mg/day is nothing in comparison to dosages some people take (up to 800mg a day for more extreme cases) but what’s becoming clear as I do more research on Quetiapine is that it’s more important to figure out when to take these pills, and how much.

So to wrap it up, here are some observations:

3 (75mg) pills a night = 6hrs sleep and the next day is a damn productive day through to midnight.
2 (50mg) pills a night and I wake up cold as my T-Shirt is drenched with sweat. I then toss and turn a fair bit but I get back to sleep (whereas I would usually have shot out of bed and punch 4:20 AM cones.
If I take the 3 pills a night, smoke a jay then jump right into bed stoned I go into a scary deep place where I feel I’m not in control of my body. I will my arms and legs to move but they won’t initially, making me feel trapped in my own body for a short moment. At this stage I focus on getting my arms and legs to move, and when I finally start to feel myself taking control of my own limbs again I end up waking up from the nightmare.
I’m not sure exactly what steps I’m going to take from here. I have another meeting with Dr Hyde soon so I might just sit tight and see if he’s got any recommendations for me; be it a stronger dosage, or a new drug altogether.

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Capiche?!

We couldn’t care less for people who don’t get us.

If you were a fan before, but aren’t anymore, maybe we need a rebate bin or something so you can return your ZEN gear to us.

We’re much more keen on assholes unfollowing us and letting us post whatever we love, and sell what we want, whenever we want.

We are an anti brand, and always will be.

#itsokifyoudontgetit isn’t meant to be an attack on you, it’s simply saying that if you don’t like us it’s TRULY… OK! No pressure, no judgement! It’s all g! We ain’t forcing you to get us, nor are we upset that you don’t get us!

Capiche?!

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Kurt x ZEN

If you’re a sexist, racist, homophobe or basically an asshole, don’t buy ZEN gear. We don’t care if you like us, we hate you.

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It was cool to be a feminist once.

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In 1991 Nirvana’s Nevermind was passed around the back of the school bus home like a dooby from hell.

My world was a better place with Kurt Cobain in it.

Kurt Cobain: “I even thought that I was gay, I thought that might be the solution to my problem … I had a gay friend. And then my mother wouldn’t allow me to be friends with him anymore, because, um, well, she’s homophobic.

Because I couldn’t find any friends, male friends that I felt compatible with, I ended up hanging out with the girls a lot, I just always felt that they weren’t treated with respect. Especially because women are totally oppressed.”

In the liner notes of In Utero (their last studio album), Cobain wrote, “If you’re a sexist, racist, homophobe or basically an asshole, don’t buy this CD. I don’t care if you like me, I hate you.”

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Hangs with Dom Wangan

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SOLID hangs with Dom today. I’ve know him for what, 10 years? I’ve never once had a quality D&M with the guy, but I suppose I’ve never needed to as Dom ALWAYS come across as a big softy to me; always smiling ear to ear, always a cheeky monkey and a ladies man. When I was a kid I wished for a girlfriend, this guy wished for strength and honour or some bullshit, and no wonder he’s still single! I’m pretty sure we all know a mate like Dom, who just wants SO bad to be in love, but things have never really quite clicked into place for the guy in that department. Over the past 10 years I’ve seen Dom post about his quite obvious hunt for a soul mate over social media. His posts may come across as semi-desperate at times, but they’re always done with good humour, heart and above all I consider his posts as positive manifestations in any case.

Cheers for the hang Dom, and getting me out of the house! Thanks for letting me know that some mates out there think I’ve lost the plot a little with the frequency of my manic posts, even more thanks for realising that’s just me right now and that I just gotta do what I gotta do!

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Blast from the past


Blast from the past! Shot in 2006, thanks Martin Bierschenk for the memories!

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Bionic

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Designed as a cover for a magazine a few mates and I tried to get funded by the publishers of Rolling Stone magazine. We got close, we scored a deal to launch the magazine but had to work from their offices, not mine, so we let it go. Regrets? Kinda wish we at least gave it a go.

PS: Have had someone mail me about her penis, and was so into it that she wanted to use it to present to a group of political dingbats. I’m like… what penis?!!!!!!!!

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25 going on 65 it feels like

A young 24yr old guy I’ve got in a chat tab just typed: “25 going on 65 it feels like”.

That’s kinda sad, but I get it as he’s not your typical 20-something bandwagon jumper, but instead someone who’s at least asking questions and has something to say.

Without the internet, in the 80’s & 90’s people my age couldn’t so easily talk so freely and openly to 20-somethings (not that they would want to!). They sure as hell wouldn’t have treated 20-somethings as ‘equals’ like hiding behind avatars and usernames on the internet allows today.

So is internet reach, combined with social online constructs, a good thing? If you’re 20-something then I think it is.

If the 20 year old me could have reached out to older people that inspired me by simply sending them a PM, I think I’d be way more knowledgable today. #discuss

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Antidepressants No More — Part 3

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Good riddance Effexor, welcome back Libido!

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve stopped taking antidepressants (Effexor), and my body feels so much better for it. I’m waking up with raging boners once more and I’m also masturbating again (to porn, sorry JP!). The handful of times I’ve masturbated I’ve come prematurely and legit had 5–10 second orgasms each time.

I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed, but I am fucking buzzing. My hands feel clammy when I’m awake, you know, that “wirey” tingly like vibe you feel when an ecstasy pill or shrooms start kicking in? It’s that feeling pretty much, that I feel all day through to night. I like this high but I’ve got a few concerns:

– My brain is going at a million miles an hour from the moment I wake up to midnight when I sleep.
– If no one is with me I’ll be bashing the keyboard on social media and writing about anything and everything that comes to mind; many drafts, sure, but also more ‘refined/laboured’ features too.
– If someone is with me I will absolutely talk over them and drown them out with words. I talk so much they literally can’t get a single word in.

I caught up with a friend who has bipolar, she told me that there’s Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. I’m like WTF?! At first she thought I was Bipolar 2, but by the end of the night she thought I was manic and more Bipolar 1 as I didn’t let her get a single word in all afternoon.

Symptoms specific to bipolar 1: The ‘experts’ classify mania to be a state of abnormality, featuring an elevated, persistent or irritable mood, severe enough to impair functioning, with three or more symptoms of:

– Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity (check!)
– Decreased need for sleep (check!)
– More talkative than usual (check!)
– Flight of ideas (check!)
– Distractibility (check!)
– Increased goal-directed activity (check!)
– Excessive involvement in activities that have high potential for painful consequences (check!)

For an episode to be defined as manic it has to last a week (I went for 6 months +); I didn’t talk to friends, nor sleep in my bed. I have a scab on the right side of my head that I pick off every day. I often fascinated over compiled piles of dandruff and even started to pee in empty Mountain Dew bottles as I was too lazy to walk to my own bathroom.

Ultimately, trying to define who I am with all this medical mumbo jumbo doesn’t really make me feel any better as I truly don’t consider my high highs and low lows to be out of the ordinary. As an artist I’ve always needed the low lows in order to create art, and the fact is that I remember, somewhat romantically, all of my low lows, but I can’t for the life of me remember many, if any, of my high highs. For example; listening to a song which represents a low from say, a past relationship breakup, and I’ll shed a tear today, but remembering a high, like that time I won a prize, brings back no feelings of elation at all.

I’m currently on 3 x 25mg tablets of Quetiapine a night. If I take them at 8PM (as recommended) I end up waking up at 1–3am which wasn’t working for me. I decided to try taking them at 11-midnight and that’s been working great for me as I sleep well and wake up at about 6am most mornings. My psych. Dr. Hyde suggests that Quetiapine is not addictive, and that I could take one instead of a bong hit if I felt the need to (not that I’ve had a bong hit, or felt like I needed to in what feels like forever now), but I’ve been avoiding dunking the pills by day as I’m scared of getting sleepy during daylight (in case I fall back into my comatose falling in and out of sleep all day gaming routine).

Long story cut short; I took a single Quetiapine pill when I was hanging with my bipolar 2 mate to see what would happen. 25 minutes later I was legit calm as, taking deep breaths, man, what a difference! Looks like the drugs do work, and self experimenting with these ‘corporate drugs’ is crucial to finding a way out.

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Trent Grubel

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trent_grubel

I knew this kid was going to be something amazing. I met young Trent 5 years ago. He came into ZEN asking for money (sponsorship) and I told him we had none, the rest was history!

Follow: @trentgrubelmotorsport

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