I’m not scared of anything, and after some thought… that’s really not a good thing. So many people in life lie about not being scared of anything, and the sooner they realise they’re full of shit, the sooner they succeed.
Resistance in life is an awesome thing, it’s the negative that helps you define the positive. I feel like I’ve succeeded in life. I’ve done the hard work and I’ve shown up more than a few times (despite every fibre of my being telling me to back out).
A few years back I got to a stage where I just wanted to hop off the ride, there was no resistance left. I was done. It wasn’t until the night where I actually tried to end my life that I realised I couldn’t do it. I walked out of my house, no shoes on and headed for the cliffs by the beach. I only managed to get a few houses down the street before breaking down in tears. I felt like the biggest wimp in the world. I was scared.
It’s been some time since then. I’ve gone through medication, therapy, gotten off the weed (I was smoking an ounce a week for a few years) and I’m now off the medication and back to square one.
I was in a 3-piece grunge rock band in high school and we had a song called F.I.A.U.J.T.D.I.A, which was short for Fucked It All Up Just To Do It Again. At the time I wrote it because I was chasing after girls who might have liked me, but before too long I’d lose my shit, get too full on and scare them away. I was stuck between learning a lesson, and just trying hard to accept myself for being a fuck up, so just keep on fucking up.
Right now I’m conscious of fucking it all up. I’m staring at a blank canvas. I want to go forwards not backwards, but I feel like in order to go forwards I need to redefine what I’m scared of in life. I need to find resistance in order to overcome it. I need to work hard to create opportunities that require me to show up.
