Category Archives: Drugs

Quetiapine update – 40 Days

quetiapine

I’ve been on 3 tablets of Quetiapine per day for the past 40 days now (25mg/tablet 75mg all up). Quetiapine takes effect on me fast, about 30 minutes from dunking them. Since I’m no longer napping during the day I’m already quite sleepy by midnight, which is when I dunk all 3 and go straight to bed. I get a solid 5hrs sleep every single time doing it this way.

Dr. Hyde assured me that it was OK to dunk tablets during the day if I felt like a mood swing was coming on, but when I do have Quetiapine by day I turn into a zombie and I end up napping. I tried not taking any at all one night, I had a rough sleep and felt down the next day (started the day off on the wrong foot and couldn’t turn it around). I’m meant to have the tablets at about 9PM but when I do I get up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep. I’ve tried taking only 2 tablets instead of 3 and I wake up too early. I’ve not tried taking 4, could be good, but I’m afraid to have any more if I don’t need more.

The speedy body high’s I’ve been feeling have subsided somewhat, but I’m still going a million miles an hour. Speedy as fuck in my head. I feel short of breath, like my heart is beating fast. I’m literally bashing the keys right now as I type. I have only one speed and it’s full steam ahead, all cylinders firing.

Today I saw Dr. Hyde and reported all the above (and more). He agrees I look and sound better (I’m 62kgs today and was 51kg’s when I first saw him, he says I’m still too skinny and could do with more weight!). He also thinks that lots of the boundless energy I have now has to do with being more sober than I have been in a very long time. IE: For the past few months I’ve felt like I broke something up there in my head, but maybe it’s more that I’ve never been sober.

He’s not too happy about my drinking situation. I don’t drink every night, but when I open a bottle I finish it, every time. I scull my wines too. He says 1 glass would be AOK, 2 at most, but not a whole bottle. Having 1-3 joints a day isn’t great either, but the alcohol is more of a worry to him at the moment. Personally I don’t think I’ll have an issue with cutting down the wine, or the weed as I’m cutting it down more and more as we go in any case.

Whilst I like to think in my mind that the Quetiapine is just a sleeping tablet. It’s not. Dr. Hyde was quick to remind me that it’s still acting as an anti-depressant (even though I am off Effexor antidepressants) and mood stabiliser which affects my every day. He reminded me once more that I’m on a very low dose, and Quetiapine only really works on bipolar patients when given in much higher doses. He believes my mood is at least stable (I’d say yes, only just… but definitely more stable than ever this year) and that I should try to up my dose to 100mg, or even 150mg.

The plan is to take 100mg at midnight from now on. If I end up getting more than 5hrs sleep I’ll start taking the Quetiapine earlier so I can still see the sun rise every morning. I’ll also cut down on drinking to 2 glasses/night max and I’m really struggling to make joints at all now that the kief has run dry. Joints are mostly rollie tobacco with a sprinkling of kief.. I’m basically down to stems and I was told not to smoke stems (not sure exactly why, I assume they hold more chemicals, or something?!).

More updates soon!

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From Wake & Bake to Woke

weed_butt
Heart-Shaped Bud. Miss CJ Miles shot by yours truly.

I recently watched a Joe Rogan podcast on weed. He had 2 guests on the show; a guy who’s just published an anti-marijuana book (Alex) and a Doctor who uses weed on his patients (Dr. Hart).

Joe Rogan Experience #1246 — Pot Debate — Alex Berenson & Dr. Michael Hart.

Alex is an author of several thriller novels (take note?!). His new book “Tell Your Children: The Truth About Marijuana, Mental Illness, and Violence” is out now. Dr. Hart is the founder and medical director of a medical cannabis clinic in Canada.

The podcast is just under 3hrs long, about right IMHO if you want to go deep on a subject. I’ve listened to it a couple of times now and pulled out a few key quotes as bullet points which I’d like to expand upon as we go:

– Marijuana is safe
– Marijuana is not medicine
– Marijuana use is associated with schizophrenia
– Marijuana is a gateway drug

Marijuana is safe

“Cannabis doesn’t kill. Clinicians feels safe knowing they can’t kill anyone with prescribed cannabis.”

After taking in both sides of the debate I have to disagree. There have been 0 deaths contributed to the use of cannabis at the legal limit. “At the legal limit” was the bit I was missing! I’ve personally always loved the thought that weed could do no harm. Bob Marley. But times have changed. I’m now much more open to the idea that extremely heavy use of Marijuana could lead to schizophrenia, violence, suicide, and even murder.

Every weed show/documentary I’ve watched this year defines a heavy smoker as someone who smokes less than I was. 7 jays a day is heavy? Please. 5 years using is heavy? Please. I was a weed junkie. A true wake and baker. 4.20AM cones were a thing. An ounce a week, no doobs, all cones. Easy peasy.

I don’t agree with Marijuana is safe just because I didn’t OD on it. I think heavy Marijuana use was killing me… just very, very slowly.

Marijuana is not medicine

I think there must be a lot of heavy smokers in their 40’s like me who are waking up to health issues and concerns. There’s a desire for a healthier, legal/medicinal alternative to smoking the whack THC gear we source from the streets. 2 years ago I saw UFC fighter Nate Diaz smoke a vape pen in a post fight press conference. When asked what he was smoking he said “CBD, google it”, and I did.

Dr. Hart suggests that a majority of his patients do NOT want to get high. That’s where CDB comes in. He suggests that if clients are the type that can’t sleep well, can’t leave their home, maybe they go out only 5–10 days a month, then CBD decreases ‘learned fear’, so if you can get people out of their homes, to get the groceries, then CBD is excellent for that. He also mentioned that THC can be used as a night time component for sleep as studies have shown that THC can reduce nightmares.

The ‘learned fear’ thing is fascinating as that’s exactly what happened to me when I was smoking bongs every waking hour. I can’t but wonder what CBD in place of bud could have done when I was unable to get out of the house, or order home delivery when I was starving.

I find it interesting that there could be a holistic weed solution; CBD by day, THC before bed, but holistic and smoking don’t go so hand in hand in my mind. I think smoking itself is the bigger issue. IE: If you ask any heavy smoker if they would quit at the flick of a switch would they? If quitting was instant and pain free, nice and easy. I’m pretty sure many, if not all smokers would say yes. If it was that easy then yes… I’d like to quit.

A good question raised in the podcast was; why then, if weed is legal and readily available, do smokers want such high concentrations of it? Joe simply suggested tolerance, and he used the Sober October campaign as being somewhat of a necessary reset button on addiction. Worth noting was Dr. Hart suggesting that CBD is unlike THC in relation to tolerance, he noted that he had a particular patient who hasn’t needed to increase their CBD dose for 5 years running.

Since you can get CBD with no traces of THC, this would allow me to drive again without fear of Mobile Drug Testing (MDT). In short; I really want to try CBD oil.

Marijuana use is associated with schizophrenia

In Canada you can’t buy cannabis if you’re under 25. Why 25? Well 25 is the age they believe your frontal lobe is fully developed. If that’s the case then I blew my brains out way too early, no wonder I feel like I’m stuck at 21! Studies on adults with psychosis show that they were smokers since adolescence.

OK so now I know I’m in this boat of adolescent smokers. How to I get out?

One study Alex quoted in his book concluded that cannabis does not cause schizophrenia, yet Alex chose not to publish that finding, and instead quote other facts from the same study to suit his agenda that cannabis does cause schizophrenia.

Alex believes that cannabis use is associated with a risk of developing schizophrenia and other psychosis, the higher the use, the greater the risk. He pulls on studies which show cannabis is directly related to depression and suicidal thinking.

Joe concedes THC is not a good medicine for adolescence, or any hard drug for that matter, but everyone agreed on isolated cases where there have been clear benefits of CBD in young patients.

Joe mentioned paranoia, but in a pretty left-of-field way in that he enjoys it. He feels that he’s blessed in life, that he has an abundance of confidence and success. Smoking and getting paranoid allows him to check himself and examine his behaviour, reflect better and more objectively. Alex diffused the justification by suggesting Joe’s paranoia isn’t the same as ‘my wife is trying to poison me’ kinda paranoia and that’s a valid point. I feel that not picking up phones and not wanting to answer the doorbell are symptoms of paranoia, whilst not as drastic as the thought of cops busting through the front door, I still think it’s paranoia from smoking.

Joe brought up social media, in that an increase in mental health issues in young kids may correspond directly to social media. IE: Almost ALL kids are on social media. Not ALL kids on social media are on weed. The panel all agreed to social media playing some part, and also the fact that Psychiatrists give out ADD medicine way too easily. “At age 14, you can’t run into your first hurdle in life and jump straight on the pills”. IE: Kids need to be tougher, and there are a lot of answers to be had in diet and exercise as prevention.

As a kid I used to get bullied all day at school, but when school was over I’d get home, get out of my school gear, grab my board and skate out in the streets until the sun went down. These days you get bullied at school and once you go home the bullying continues on social media. I’m sure kids get up at 2am in the morning to refresh and see if more people have commented, liked or followed.

Marijuana is a gateway drug

Those against weed often make a strong case of weed being a gateway drug to cocaine and heroin. Personally I’ve always had cocaine available, if it’s free I’ll do it but I never pay for it. If I have it in the house I won’t use it. I have never taken it alone. I just don’t like the drug. I’ve had many weed dealers over my lifetime and not one has ever sold me anything other than weed.

One interesting left of field thought on legalising weed came about when the guys discussed “I’d rather have my kid smoke weed than drink”. If pot is legalised will it become undesirable, and thus a harder drug like cocaine could take it’s place? Freaky thought.

Dr. Hart had something to say for weed being a gateway drug for people getting off opiates, but in reality I’ve never ever seen a clear way to heroin. Not through any channels I’ve ever come across. I’ve always assumed heroin is something you might meet when you’re really at rock bottom, broken and homeless.

Conclusion

Joe agreed weed is not benign and as safe as he once thought it used to be. Too right! When I was a kid weed was bush bud, then it went hydro, and now it’s chronic. Alex mentioned alcohol, and how it generally affects most people the same way; how drunk people look, slur, walk off-balance. We roughly know how long it takes for alcohol to leave our bodies etc. but cannabis is so different from person to person. 2mg could destroy a non-smoker but a smoker could do 200mg easy. Then there’s edibles, these THC rich chocolate bars really are designed to be used as psychedelics and really could send people to Mars.

The panel agreed that humans are diverse; there are people out there allergic to peanuts, shellfish, you name it. IE: It’s probably not a great idea to use blanket statements, but to wrap this up:

Question: “Why didn’t you include the part of the study you quote that shows the benefits of marijuana on psychological disorders?”

Reply: “I will admit my book is not balanced”

There’s a lot in this, and I’d like to end this article on this point as I feel it’s a bigger point that needs addressing.

The whole panel admits to being guilty of only focussing on the good stuff and not the bad stuff, but Alex came clean and admitted to cherry picking from studies to suit his agenda. No one doubts that Alex is telling the truth in his book, but to only tell part of the truth is somewhat deceiving.

Telling the whole truth is really where it’s at. Being accurate and portraying both positive and negative sides of the argument would allow for more informed decisions. IE: If we were to only show a small part, and ask people to make a decision on that part, it wouldn’t be accurate as a whole.

/rant.

Read this feature on Medium (much nicer on the eyes!): https://medium.com/@justinfox_30083/pot-debate-69fa5479ace9

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“What About Bob?” and the importance of taking Baby Steps


Baby Steps.

“What About Bob?” (1991) was a hilarious movie to me as a 16yr old teenager. It’s even funnier to me now at 43. In the movie Bob (Bill Murray) gets given a book written by his psychiatrist Dr. Marvin (Richard Dreyfuss) called “Baby Steps” (a book that I, and surely many wish actually existed!).

Bob: Baby Steps?

Dr. Marvin: It means setting small reasonable goals for yourself one day at a time. One tiny step at a time. Baby steps.

Bob: Baby steps.

Dr. Marvin: For instance, um… when you leave this office, don’t think about everything you have to do in order to get out of the building, just think to what you must do to get out of this room, and when you get to the hall, deal with that hall, and so forth… you see? Baby steps!

A lack of any kinda of consistent pattern in how I lived my life for a few years eventuated in 6 solid months of smoking an ounce of weed a week, not getting off the couch, not eating right and most important of all, not sleeping well. The lack of sleep made me crazy. It all became obvious to me when I was watching serial killer documentaries; all these guys were pretty normal until they didn’t sleep for 3 days, and that’s what I believe drove them mad enough to go through with their evil plans.

Impatience is a curse.

Wanting to hurry things up once you’ve had enough of feeling sorry for yourself and thinking too big isn’t great when you’re down, as the last thing you want to do is disappoint yourself even more. When I was at my worse I couldn’t even get up off the couch to piss in the bathroom (I’d piss in a mountain dew bottle instead), people were suggesting I get back on the bike, or go for a swim at the rock pool, but they didn’t understand that those most mundane every day things were the hardest things to do.

Taking a deep breath is a small step. It’s amazing how the small tiny little steps have been massive for me lately. It’s like when Dad died, he just had complications on top of complications until he was, well… dead, but man if he was to have had any tiny little baby step forward, we would have taken it, no matter how small a step, as it might just have been the sign we needed to turn the tide.

I’m in a really good place right now, and I’m already starting to develop some big plans. I feel I’ve gotten back on track by A) getting some sleep and B) setting myself up with some very small goals which I’ve absolutely smashed out of the park.

Comedy or not; “What About Bob?” made an impact on me as a teen, and the simple concept of “Baby Steps” is one that I will for sure utilise from time to time in future.

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Honing in the Quetiapine

hone

I still have maybe a couple of coffees a day, 2–3 jays a day, or a ciggy or 2 if I’m out and about, or a glass of wine or 3, or a beer or two when the boys are over, but Quetiapine (also sold under the trade name Seroquel) is the only thing I’m taking consistently now.

Quetiapine is an antipsychotic used for the treatment of bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder and schizophrenia (my Ex-fiancé warned me that if I smoked bongs for too long I’d go schizo!). It’s also widely used as a sleeping aid.

I’m on Quetiapine to stabilise my mood swings and I’m also using it as a sleeping aid. Quetiapine was prescribed to me as an add-on drug to antidepressants, but I dropped the antidepressants 2 weeks ago and I’ve felt better since (the libido issues and constipation issues I got from Effexor are no more). Thing is, these tiny little pink 25mg Quetiapine pills have come to the fore now, and I’m finding myself trying to experiment with them a little as I feel like I have to.

Generally speaking, I used to think that girls have quite consistent mood swings. A wave with not too many extreme highs, nor lows. Guys on the other hand I always akin to an elastic band. Pull and stretch all the way back, then BAM! Let it all go.

Right now it’s midday. I’ve had a coffee and breakfast and I’m about to catch up with an old mate in an hour or so. My mood is pretty frantic, short breaths, brain is going a million miles an hour. I’m thirsty AF. I can’t type fast enough. I feel a bit high, less of a weed high, more of a lack of sleep feeling.

The Quetiapine helps me sleep (30 or so minutes after taking 75g my eyelids get heavy and I get 6 hours solid sleep. The sleep has greatly improved my concentration and motivation. This is quite obvious if you look at all the output I’m having lately. My appetite has skyrocketed (weight gain is a know side effect of Quetiapine) and now I find myself eating at least 3 meals a day (up from 51kgs to 59kgs now).

A lot of people use Quetiapine as a sleeping aid to “knock them out”, which kinda scares me, but my research leads me to believe that it’s not a drug of choice for suicide victims, as reports shows that people who have overdosed on Quetiapine landed up in comas and not death .

My doc assures me Quetiapine is not physically addictive, but neither is weed right? So really, it’s the psychological addiction I’m more worried about.

On the streets Quetiapine is sometimes called Susie Q, Quell, Q, or Squirrel. Crushed and snorted (I’ve yet to try this), Quetiapine is abused for a recreational “high”. None of this surprises me as I’ve felt high as a kite on this stuff since day 1, sometimes for hours at a time throughout the day, sometimes it comes in waves.

I feel the Quetiapine high pretty much from the moment I wake up through to bed time (usually 6am — midnight). If I dunk 3 pills at the recommended time of 8–9PM I got to bed way too early and wake up way too early too. Having them just before bed seems to suit me a lot better.

The high I feel throughout the day is a bit like a weed high, but also feels like an ecstasy pill coming on; you know, that tingly wiry feeling you get in your fingers when an e starts to kick in. I also have waves of extreme light headedness, not to the point of fainting or anything, but it’s a strange top of the brain and in the temples tingle, sometimes an almost anti-gravity/brain in a bubble like feeling which I get especially when I move my head too suddenly.

My low dose of 75mg/day is nothing in comparison to dosages some people take (up to 800mg a day for more extreme cases) but what’s becoming clear as I do more research on Quetiapine is that it’s more important to figure out when to take these pills, and how much.

So to wrap it up, here are some observations:

3 (75mg) pills a night = 6hrs sleep and the next day is a damn productive day through to midnight.
2 (50mg) pills a night and I wake up cold as my T-Shirt is drenched with sweat. I then toss and turn a fair bit but I get back to sleep (whereas I would usually have shot out of bed and punch 4:20 AM cones.
If I take the 3 pills a night, smoke a jay then jump right into bed stoned I go into a scary deep place where I feel I’m not in control of my body. I will my arms and legs to move but they won’t initially, making me feel trapped in my own body for a short moment. At this stage I focus on getting my arms and legs to move, and when I finally start to feel myself taking control of my own limbs again I end up waking up from the nightmare.
I’m not sure exactly what steps I’m going to take from here. I have another meeting with Dr Hyde soon so I might just sit tight and see if he’s got any recommendations for me; be it a stronger dosage, or a new drug altogether.

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Antidepressants No More — Part 3

nomore
Good riddance Effexor, welcome back Libido!

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve stopped taking antidepressants (Effexor), and my body feels so much better for it. I’m waking up with raging boners once more and I’m also masturbating again (to porn, sorry JP!). The handful of times I’ve masturbated I’ve come prematurely and legit had 5–10 second orgasms each time.

I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed, but I am fucking buzzing. My hands feel clammy when I’m awake, you know, that “wirey” tingly like vibe you feel when an ecstasy pill or shrooms start kicking in? It’s that feeling pretty much, that I feel all day through to night. I like this high but I’ve got a few concerns:

– My brain is going at a million miles an hour from the moment I wake up to midnight when I sleep.
– If no one is with me I’ll be bashing the keyboard on social media and writing about anything and everything that comes to mind; many drafts, sure, but also more ‘refined/laboured’ features too.
– If someone is with me I will absolutely talk over them and drown them out with words. I talk so much they literally can’t get a single word in.

I caught up with a friend who has bipolar, she told me that there’s Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. I’m like WTF?! At first she thought I was Bipolar 2, but by the end of the night she thought I was manic and more Bipolar 1 as I didn’t let her get a single word in all afternoon.

Symptoms specific to bipolar 1: The ‘experts’ classify mania to be a state of abnormality, featuring an elevated, persistent or irritable mood, severe enough to impair functioning, with three or more symptoms of:

– Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity (check!)
– Decreased need for sleep (check!)
– More talkative than usual (check!)
– Flight of ideas (check!)
– Distractibility (check!)
– Increased goal-directed activity (check!)
– Excessive involvement in activities that have high potential for painful consequences (check!)

For an episode to be defined as manic it has to last a week (I went for 6 months +); I didn’t talk to friends, nor sleep in my bed. I have a scab on the right side of my head that I pick off every day. I often fascinated over compiled piles of dandruff and even started to pee in empty Mountain Dew bottles as I was too lazy to walk to my own bathroom.

Ultimately, trying to define who I am with all this medical mumbo jumbo doesn’t really make me feel any better as I truly don’t consider my high highs and low lows to be out of the ordinary. As an artist I’ve always needed the low lows in order to create art, and the fact is that I remember, somewhat romantically, all of my low lows, but I can’t for the life of me remember many, if any, of my high highs. For example; listening to a song which represents a low from say, a past relationship breakup, and I’ll shed a tear today, but remembering a high, like that time I won a prize, brings back no feelings of elation at all.

I’m currently on 3 x 25mg tablets of Quetiapine a night. If I take them at 8PM (as recommended) I end up waking up at 1–3am which wasn’t working for me. I decided to try taking them at 11-midnight and that’s been working great for me as I sleep well and wake up at about 6am most mornings. My psych. Dr. Hyde suggests that Quetiapine is not addictive, and that I could take one instead of a bong hit if I felt the need to (not that I’ve had a bong hit, or felt like I needed to in what feels like forever now), but I’ve been avoiding dunking the pills by day as I’m scared of getting sleepy during daylight (in case I fall back into my comatose falling in and out of sleep all day gaming routine).

Long story cut short; I took a single Quetiapine pill when I was hanging with my bipolar 2 mate to see what would happen. 25 minutes later I was legit calm as, taking deep breaths, man, what a difference! Looks like the drugs do work, and self experimenting with these ‘corporate drugs’ is crucial to finding a way out.

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Antidepressants – an update

Just an update on my journey with antidepressants (if you missed the first feature, you can check it out here: Antidepressants).

A LOT has happened since my last update. Yesterday I caught up with my psychiatrist Dr Hyde (it was his first day back from holidays). Dianne came with me this time (it’s been Mum every other time) and as soon as we sat down in his little office we were on like Donkey Kong. Rapid fire, that’s what it felt like really. A whole lot of heavy information regurgitating and bouncing off the walls.

We talked about swapping out Efexor for another antidepressant that doesn’t have much of an impact on my libido, but truth is I had already run my own experiments with Efexor and had come to the conclusion that I didn’t need it. I was initially on 75mg of Efexor/day. When I first saw Dr Hyde early November we doubled the dosage and I started taking it in the morning rather than night. I started to have low libido issues about this time. I literally couldn’t even come to porn. I then upped my dosage to 300mg/day and I was waking up without a hard on at all, and that alone was making me more depressed than anything! One day I decided to see what 600mg of Efexor would feel like; the next morning I literally woke up with pins and needles in my dick which hung around for most of the day (I even had troubles peeing that day).

At the same time as all of the above I smashed my bong (with my Dads hammer making it a little more significant perhaps?) and decided to go cold turkey on weed. I coughed up a shitload of dark hard phlegm over the first few days and amazingly the freaky noises I was hearing and feeling in my chest whenever I took a deep breath were completely gone (making me realise that bongs might not be THAT bad as it only took a week for the shit to come out?!). I was also sweating profusely all day and worse at night where I’d wake up freezing every few hours in a pool of sweat (and have to change clothes or move to the couch as my mattress was soaked).

Going cold turkey on weed was hard. I lost it more than a few times. I caved in on day 7 and smoked a spliff. I was of-course instantly happy, smiling and even laughing again. What was different though was that one spliff made primarily of tobacco with a sprinkling of leaf was enough to get me SO high. For a few days I smoked 3 jays a day, one day I cut it down to just one jay that day but the sweats came back hard and so too the yucky bits of me I didn’t like.

I watched an opinion piece on YouTube comparing bongs to joints. The guy reminded me that bongs are dirty things! I remembered that the bongs I smoked in high school were made out of Mr Juicy bottles and bits of hose we cut from someone’s lawn. Over time I somehow convinced myself of glass bongs being a legitimate respectable thing, but I can’t really see them being anything but filthy right now.

This train of thought really needs expanding as it’s all still very new to me; but I’ve somehow gotten off bongs and it truly does feel like “just like that”. For the past few days I’ve smoked no more than 3 weak jays a day. Something has definitely changed.

So back to Dr Hyde. All the above came out during yesterdays session. He doesn’t believe I am suffering from depression anymore, instead we’re going to focus on my anxiety or bipolar-like symptoms. IE: my mood swings. We’re increasing my dosage of Quetiapine before bed to get a better night’s sleep and he also suggested that since Quetiapine is not addictive, I can quite comfortably take more as needed during the day. IE: If I feel like smoking weed I could replace the weed with a dose of Quetiapine. Scary thought huh? But hey, happy to give it a go.

It’s now the morning of the first night on a larger dose of Quetiapine and for the first time in a very long time I’ve had a solid 9hrs of sleep (I’ve been averaging 4hrs of broken sleep usually and have had rare occasions of 5hrs sleep maybe even a 6hr sleep semi-recently). I woke up high as a kite. I felt absolutely ripped but my head is sharp. It’s loud up there too, very. I’ve been spamming social media all morning. I’ve been writing this… that brings us up to date. My next meeting with Dr Hyde is in 4 weeks from now. Dianne, who has literally been taking care of me daily for the past 2 weeks leaves tomorrow. It’s going to be interesting to see how I go alone over the next few weeks.

Reminder to self – I’m still in a hole within a hole. The weed addiction and depression is one thing, but there are bigger things that I know I need to deal with too. That I’m not in denial about.

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Antidepressants

medication

These are the meds I’m on. When I first caught up with my GP he told me that since I had been feeling the way I’ve been feeling for over 6 months, medication was the only way for me to get better. I was of the mindset that I wouldn’t ever need antidepressants. Much like religion, I thought antidepressants were more for weaker people (and that I was strong enough to tackle anything in life), but last year I watched this video of Dr. Jordan B Peterson (a Professor of Psychology and clinical psychologist) openly admit that he uses (and needs) antidepressants in order to function, well that video primed me to say OK to my GP and here we are.

Efexor-XR is for depression. My GP started me on a small dose initially. I decided against doing any online research about the drug and instead just started dunking them, if anything having a pill a day was creating some sort of “routine” in my life. I was super curious to see if I could feel any effects, but to be honest, all I felt was drowsiness. Some days I thought I felt better, but I was leaning more towards that it was a placebo than the medication.

A few weeks in I found out that a friend of mine was on the same drug, but she was given a MUCH bigger dose to begin with, that prompted me to book in to see a psychologist. The psychologist I got was fucked. A plank of wood. So dead. I doubt she even had a pulse. My Mum then found what she thought was a good psychiatrist. Dr Hyde… with that name how could I not?!

Turns out Dr. Hyde is a really likeable guy. I spilt the beans (it’s not getting easier to tell this mess of a story as it always changes depending on my current mood) and based on his assessment he ruled a few things out, but then prescribed me to Quetiapine Sandoz, a drug prescribed for Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia. He started me on a very small dose, and suggested that over the following few months that I up it myself if I felt like I needed to (as I’m on a very low safe dose to begin with). This drug makes me a lot drowsier than the Efexor, but it’s meant to be taken at night so all good.

So despite “going” slow with this medication I’m still not sure about how exactly it’s working, and how it’s helping me. I’ve caught myself singing out loud on some mornings, might seem little to you, but that’s been pretty huge for me. Speaking of music, music is part of my daily life again and I’m loving that. I’ve stopped having suicidal thoughts, and I can’t be sure the drugs have had anything to do with that, or not, but for now I’m just going with it as I seem to be getting better by the day.

PS: I’m still smoking weed daily but the aim is not to. My intake has gone from $300/week (IE: comatose) to smoking nothing but keif the past few months. I’m sure my weed addiction has a lot to do with everything, and going cold turkey (then rehab if I fail) is the aim for now.

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