Antidepressants and the Placebo Effect

I’m on day 6 without weed. I can’t sleep. I am sweating profusely (literally wetting the bed with sweat every time I lay down) and I’ve coughed up a lot of hard, dark chunky deep down mucus which has actually made the biggest change as I had a little wheezing in my breathing before, and now I can take super deep breaths without any of that wheezing tickling my throat.

It’s not all been good though; on day 2 I had a huge fight with a friend who came over to pick up a few things. She left crying as I absolutely hammered her for no reason at all. I then kinda lost it and lunged for my medication and swallowed a whole handful of pills just to prove they do nothing at all, and yup, they did nothing at all…

I have moments of hopefulness, but generally speaking I don’t care. I’ve watched a LOT of Intervention shows this past week. It’s awesome that not all these people make it through rehab. I’d say it’s about 50/50. Some come back clean, healthy and on their way to a new life, some others relapse the very next day (and I’m totally OK with that).

I realise that I lost my shit last year in regards to any sort of balance with marijuana. 420 is about taking a smoke a 4.20PM and NOT at 4.20AM, which is what I’ve been doing daily for most of last year (and even the year before that) this has ultimately fucked me over as I’ve obviously lost any sort of balance with weed in my life.

I’m starting to think that I’m depressed about depression, but I’m willing to still try to make these antidepressants work as it’s obviously working for a lot of people out there (some people have mentioned they feel like a zombie on the drugs I’m prescribed right now but I swear I don’t feel a thing).

I have another appointment with Dr. Hyde next week. I’m going to have to get him to watch that Jordan Peterson clip I posted in my last post (where he states that the medication that he was given had a humongous affect on him). I have no doubt that I need stronger stuff for sure, give me the fucking A-bomb, if he doesn’t give me something that works I’m going to call it. I’m out.